


A Series of Farcical Events.

by BerryFable



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alien Culture, Collections - Freeform, Friendship, Gen, I'll try to keep everyone in character, Lighthearted, Or at least have crackfic premises, Series, Survival, These are crackfics for the most part, Thrawn just doesn't care, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 02:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14298489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerryFable/pseuds/BerryFable
Summary: A collection of one-shots and series, revolving around fairly silly premises often in serious situations.





	1. Chapter 1

The hangar they were staying in was damp and smelled like strawberries in the worst way. After Jyn and her friends had gotten themselves blown up and won them a much needed victory along the way Mon Mothma sent Hera to pick up a shipment of unknown usage and value. 

“You do not know the value of this shipment, nor do you need to but it is detrimental to our cause.” The woman had said, then stared at everyone in the room almost daring them to contradict her.

Hera had nodded in response and boarded her precious Ghost clutching her stomach as was becoming a norm for her. Rex knew the planet well so he came along, Zeb followed because he was a part of Hera’s crew, Sabine was there as well because rebel command prevented her from escaping to Lothal and Kallus was there because he was bored and had absolutely nothing to do. Chopper on the other and had stayed behind to go on an impromptu vacation with AP-5 in the wilderness of Yavin 4, the taller robot had left a will tapped on the message board explicitly forbidding anyone from selling his cataloger.

“I hate this,” Sabine said to no one in particular, she sitting in the copilot seat her arms crossed as she glared at the control panel. 

“What do you have against my fuel gauge?” Hera asked.

“Not the gauge,” Sabine said looking at Hera disapprovingly like she expected the woman to pick up on what she was talking about instinctively. “I hate that I’m stuck here when I could be looking for Ezra!”

“Well-” Rex began and was promptly cut off.

“Who does rebel command think they are?” Sabine huffed. “I am a grown woman. A full-grown woman, not one of those kids you call a woman to make them act more responsible.”

“Yes,” Hera said patiently, “But you are also an active member of the rebellion, we need you here.”  
Sabine frowned and slumped over in her chair, pouting like the full-grown woman she was. Rex jumped up from the floor where everyone else was sitting and stretched until several cracks sounded throughout the cockpit.

“Let’s get those crates loaded up,” Rex said.  
The shipment had been delivered an hour ago, but the group had taken one look at the massive load and decided to take a break to prepare themselves then Sabine had started complaining. Everyone looked at Rex skeptically, the clone shook his head in disappointment.

“The sooner we get moving the sooner we can get back to Yavin 4,” Rex said, Hera was the only one who nodded in agreement even Kallus pretended to be very interested in a crack in the wall.  
In all actuality, that might have been justified, a crack in a pressurized room may not have been a good sign.

“He’s right,” Hera said standing from her seat, arms crossed over her belly she was the first to leave the room Rex marched after her and Sabine grudgingly followed. Finally, Kallus and Zeb were the only ones left sitting on the floor, Zeb poked Kallus sharply in the shoulder.

“What the-” Kallus said with a start. “Where is everyone?”

“Where have you been for the last five minutes?” Zeb asked dryly but he was slightly concerned, his friend was normally not that oblivious. 

“Waiting to get sucked into the hyperspace lane,” Kallus said cryptically. “Like everyone else.”

Zeb decided not to ask him what that meant, Kallus was strange and Zeb preferred to stay out of his head whenever possible.

“Notice anything odd about Hera?” Zeb asked crossing his arms.

“Is that a trick question?” Kallus asked his expression unreadable.

Before Zeb could response the door slid open and Rex looked down at them.

“What are you two waiting for?” Rex asked. “We need all the help we can get.”

Zeb sighed and clambered to his feet his concerns would have to wait, Kallus remained on the floor and blinked slowly.

“Help with what?”

Zeb pulled him off the floor and dragged him down the hall after Rex until Kallus wrestled his arm away brushing his clothing off quickly, that was one of many human traits Zeb didn’t understand, it made no sense to him to brush something that wasn’t dusty or otherwise unclean. Kallus managed to not only keep stride with him and preen but also level a dark glare in Zeb’s direction. Zeb shrugged indifferently, there wasn’t much Kallus could do to him without a weapon except bite him, and he hadn’t done that since the last time they sparred so Zeb wasn’t worried. Rex led to them a large docking bay inside the strawberry infested hangar, the floor was covered in suspicious spots but in the hangar, they were well hidden, hopefully, they would be gone before the empire sniffed them out.

“There they are!” Sabine said she was holding a large box that had an obviously blacked out label, over the dark smear written in white ink were the words “Grey Marshmallows, Extra Tallow, Extra Firm.” Kallus looked up at Zeb with a strange expression, Zeb could imagine what he was thinking and apparently so could Rex.

“Mon Mothma said the shipment was a secret, this is obviously the cover.” Rex said, stepping forward he picked up a crate and surprise exploded across his face.“They are pretty lightweight though.”

“Like marshmallows!” Sabine shouted, dropping another box in the cargo.

“They are not marshmallows Sabine,” Hera said leaning on one of the crates. “Let’s just be happy they’re easy to move.”

She handed Sabine another crate the girl flung it at Zeb who barely caught but it found it’s way safely in the cargo bay.  
“This is the Juloi shipment correct?” Kallus asked.

“That’s the one,” Rex said walking down the ramp he joined Hera and together they formed a small train, Hera passed a crate to Rex who handed it off to Sabine which Zeb scrambling to catch the airborne crate.

“That it explains it then,” Kallus said.

“Explains what?” Zeb asked growing agitated as he realized Kallus was getting away with not helping, to resolve this he shoved a crate into his arms with enough force to cause the man to stumble backward. “Stack ‘em.”

Kallus complied without complaint, organizing the shipment neatly in the corner of the ship. “It explains why the crates are so light.”

Zeb looked at him, his eye twitched, he couldn’t tell if Kallus was pulling his leg but there was no way he could have higher security clearance than Hera. Unless of course, Kallus had been sticking his nose where it didn’t belong, which was far more likely. Kallus had claimed that after what Zeb had suggested on Bahryn he started “chasing answers”, usually this involved rambling through his stuff whenever left him unattended in his room but Zeb wouldn’t be surprised if it extended to other people. No one else responded to Kallus’ statement they were either too far away or not listening, Zeb decided to use that his advantage.

“What’s the shipment then?” Zeb asked he glanced towards his crewmates none of them showed any inclination they heard him. 

“A secret,” Kallus said when Zeb glared at him he added. “I’m not exactly sure, but from what I do know it’s some sort of alternative fuel.”

“Fuel is liquid,” Zeb said. They had moved a quarter of the large shipment already, they would have been done sooner if the dealer hadn’t run off with the pallet, still, Zeb could feel his opportunity slipping away. 

“It usually starts off that way yes,” Kallus said, he set the crate he was holding down and actually smiled. Zeb was intuitive enough to know the conversation was about to take a turn Zeb didn’t plan for. “However-”

“Right, do you remember what I asked you before?” Zeb asked, smoothly redirecting the flow of the conversation, Kallus looked unreasonably offended and took a long moment to respond.

“Yes.”

“And?”  
“You’ll have to be more specific,” Kallus said with a sniff.

Now he was just being ornery.

“Not in front of her,” Zeb said.

Hera wasn’t paying them any attention but it didn’t feel right discussing his concerns about her while she was in the same room.

“Then I suppose you won’t know the answer to that question either,” Kallus said, slamming a crate down with a little more force than needed. Zeb grumbled a string of unkind words at him in Lasat and they finished packing the crates in a moody silence. 

After they had finished Kallus seemed to be in a good mood, or at least he wasn’t scowling anymore the same couldn’t be said about Zeb, the shipment had been so large they had ended up storing some in the cockpit so when Zeb saw Kallus reach into one of them he was more than ready to yell at him, until he saw what Kallus had pulled out.  
“That is not a gray marshmallow.” Zeb deadpanned.

“You’re correct,” Kallus said leaning down he plugged the squishy cube into the ghost’s cracked wall. “It’s a white marshmallow, very easy to convert into a sustainable fuel source and sticky enough to seal a small breach.”

The man gave him a painfully smug smile and Zeb resisted the urge to flick him.

“Do I want to know how you know this?” Zeb asked, he was reeling over the fact that Mon Mothma had sent on an errand to pick up several hundred crates of marshmallows, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t impressed that Kallus managed to access confidential material, if Zeb wasn’t sure he was on their side, he’d be concerned.  
“I can’t imagine you would, but believe you would be interested in the rudimentary list I created regarding your earlier concern.”

It took Zeb a moment to realize what Kallus was talking about, his ears twitched in irritation and he rolled his eyes.  
“Thought you said-”

“I lied,” Kallus said evenly, Zeb glared daggers at him even though he had suspected no less. “At least I admitted it.”  
“Fine,” Zeb grumbled. “What does this list say?”

Hera was with Rex tending to the large gash the man got brushing his arm against a, particularly sharp edge on of the crates had. The blood had stained the halls and splattered on the walls and Sabine was trying to find ways to incorporate the blood into the art scheme of the ghost. It was an all over the horrible incident, but at least Zeb was free to talk.  
“She has been showing odd behaviors, they could be caused by a variety of ailments such as depression with the mildest form being indigestion,” Kallus said.

“And the most severe being?” Zeb asked he wasn’t sure he if could trust Kallus’ theories or not but they were better than nothing, he cared too much about Hera not to look for answers somewhere.

“Parasitic larva burrowing in her stomach,” Kallus said. Zeb felt queasy at the thought, they hadn’t eaten out recently and it was unlikely that Hera could have picked up a parasite from their rations they all ate the same thing if she had it they all had it and since no one had complained of stomach pains that were unlikely. “Depression is more plausible, given recent circumstances, that or she’s responsible for my broken holopad and it’s guilt.”

“She didn’t break your holopad Kallus, she’d at least buy you a new one and none of us have larva,” Zeb said dryly then it was as if a light bulb went off in his head. “..Not literally, karabast.”  
“What?” Kallus asked suspiciously.  
“I think we’re getting a new specter,” Zeb said lowly, his ears were standing at attention listening for even the faintest footsteps, it would not be good if Hera decided it was time to take off.

Kallus rubbed his chin thoughtfully mulling over the suggestion, then frowned.

“I’m not sure how that would possible,” Kallus said. “Unless there’s someone else, the conception could be no later than your departure to Lothal or there would be no speculation, it’s unlikely. ”

“But not impossible,” Zeb said slinging an arm around Kallus’ shoulders, he felt something that could only be described as a mixture of glee and distress.

“I suppose rebels do like to defy the odds,” Kallus admitted, in the weeks since their return from Lothal he had stopped flinching at their touch and most importantly, he had dropped the “You” when referring to the members of the rebellion. It was no longer “You rebels” but it wasn’t quite “Us rebels” Zeb considered it progress nonetheless.

“Yes we do,” Zeb said.

When Hera told them she was pregnant two weeks later during a fancy dinner they high fived each other under the table while everyone else choked on their soup.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shorter than the pilot but I really enjoyed writing this one.

Ezra had never screamed so much in life, his lungs were raw and he collapsed on the ground in a shivering heap. Behind him Thrawn stood at attention, turning in a slow circle blaster pointed at the trees.  
“Is it customary for Jedi to cower in the face of an enemy half their size?” Thrawn asked in his typical dull voice but Ezra could hear a hidden barb in the words and glared up at him.

“That thing is evil.” Ezra snapped.

“It is merely a boar,” Thrawn said.

“That talks!” Ezra shouted. “And has a blaster!”

“An unfortunate truth,” Thrawn said. “But that is no excuse for your cowardice, you are able to defend yourself with your force, yet you curl up like a small child instead.”

Ever since they had crashed on the forest planet and formed a tentative alliance Ezra was regretting not asking the purrgils to take them to a safe planet or at least one without sentient pigs. 

The bushes rustle and Ezra whimpered, he was having a very bad life at that moment, leaving his friends and losing his master left a heavy burden on his back that Ezra was too tired to even think about moving and the pig certainly wasn’t helping neither was Thrawn come to think of it.

“Do you think he brought his friends?”

Thrawn barely glanced at him, his eyes trained on the bushes that rustled violently.

“That may be to our benefit, these creatures are obviously civilized and may have a communications tower,” Thrawn said.

Ezra ground his teeth, if he had anything to do with it there would be no communicating with the outside galaxy, he didn’t kidnap Thrawn just for him to waltz off the planet.

“They’re not creatures then are they?” Ezra said dryly, he would keep his plans about the communications tower to himself, until it was too late, he would have to be extra careful after the stunt he pulled on Lothal Thrawn was watching his every move like a hawk analyzing every word Ezra said.

“We are all creatures in one way or another,” Thrawn said.

A small figure burst from the shadows Ezra wailed in terror and Thrawn tightened his grip on his blaster, it was the pig from earlier clutching a strangely shaped blaster he barred his tusks at them and squealed.

“We didn’t know!” Ezra said. “We never would have tried to eat you otherwise!”

“Resorting to quasi-cannibalism would be less preferable so I suggest you speak only for yourself Bridger,” Thrawn said.

“Shut up Thrawn!” Ezra said. 

Thankfully the pig did not seem to understand basic and yelled something in a garbled language again, then he pulled out a large arrow from an unknown place and flung at Ezra like a javelin, Thrawn caught it just before it pierced his thigh.

“Your Jedi training would be useful to our survival at the moment,” Thrawn said.

“I’m not going to hurt him,” Ezra said his voice barely above a whisper.

“Then do not. Can you not reach into his mind and find out where he comes from?” Thrawn asked. “The Jedi I met were proficient in that area.”

That was actually a good idea, not the finding out where the pig came from but using a mind trick to make him leave. Ezra weakly sat up, the pig snorted and Ezra steeled himself as he raised a hand.

“You do not want to hurt us,” Ezra said serenely. The pig roared and barreled towards him sinking his teeth into Ezra’s leg he thrashed his head around violently. “I said you do not want to hurt us!”

“Hmm,” Thrawn said thoughtfully but made no move to remove the pig from Ezra’s leg. “This may turn out to be quite profitable, do not worry Bridger your leg will be tended to.”

Thrawn holstered his blaster and grabbed Ezra under his arms, dragging him in the direction of their fleet of broken star destroyers, the pig was still clamped on Ezra’s leg and his screams echoed through the forest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time Thrawn and Ezra search for a sustainable food source with mixed results.

Ezra clung to Thrawn like his life depended on it, somehow the man was strong enough to carry him on his back and sprint through the thick foliage at the same time. Ezra ground his teeth, it was Thrawn’s fault he had to endure this suffering, if the man had removed the pig from Ezra’s leg sooner it maybe it wouldn’t have been damaged to the point he could no longer put any weight on it.

The pig had been little help, as soon as they returned to the star destroyers and tied him up he insisted on acting like a normal pig, one that wasn’t very intelligent, the pig was still being held in the brig and the surviving imperials had been looking at him with lustful eyes. That was one of the reasons Ezra and Thrawn were in the jungle, to find food and because neither of them trusted each other to be alone for an extended period of time they agreed to travel together.

“Hey look, is that a fruit?” Ezra asked pointing to a high canopy.

Thrawn paused in his mad running and looked up.

“You are hallucinating,” Thrawn said.

“I am not,” 

“You are,” Thrawn said and continued through the thicket since Ezra couldn’t walk for himself he had no choice but to go with him. “My survey of this area has led me to believe there is a freshwater stream ahead, the soil is fertile enough there to support fruit-bearing trees which should attract herbivores-”

“And when did you do this survey Thrawn?” Ezra asked with a scowl.

“That is none of your concern Bridger,” Thrawn said. “It will prove beneficial to the both of us.”

“Uh huh,” Ezra said, he was going to have to start camping out in front of Thrawn’s quarters.

Thrawn trudged ahead ducking under a low hanging branch, Ezra had to press himself flat against Thrawn back to avoid getting knocked off. The soil quickly became softer judging by the mud staining Thrawn’s boots and soon they found themselves in front of a crystal clear stream that flowed down into a large sparkling lake. Ezra grudgingly had to give Thrawn credit, his unauthorized surveying had paid off, the area was definitively fertile and Ezra wouldn’t be surprised if there were fish in the lake, his stomach growled at the thought.  
Ezra was imagining a fresh fish dinner when Thrawn dropped him unceremoniously on the ground. 

“What was that for?” Ezra huffed.

“It is imperative that I further scout out the land, your injury and weight will only hinder us,” Thrawn said with a thoughtful nod. “You will stay here and keep a lookout for more boars.”

“No way!” Ezra said sitting up he attempted to rise to his feet but only succeeded in proving Thrawn’s point.

Before Ezra could protest again Thrawn walked off and disappeared from Ezra’s field of view, huffing Ezra dragged himself to a nearby tree, it was small enough that he could reach up and use one of the branches to hoist himself up balancing himself on one leg Ezra took in his surroundings, in case Thrawn decided not to come back Ezra was going to need a plan, the clearing looked a lot safer than their haphazardly crashed ships and Ezra was sure he could fashion a fishing rod out of a sturdy twig, if he tried hard enough maybe he could even make a cane and beat Thrawn in the head with it.

Yes, that was a good idea.

Sinking back down Ezra leaned against the tree and closed his eyes, the faint sound of water trickling filled his ears, a gentle breeze rustled through his shaggy hair and for the first time in a long time Ezra felt at peace, until a loud booming followed by ungodly shrieking filled the air and he almost jumped out of his skin. When Ezra looked up he saw Thrawn leisurely walking towards him a small box in hand, the man came to stand by him wordlessly.

“What is that noise?” Ezra asked plugging his ears.

In response Thrawn showed him the box, it was a black rectangular contraption it was obviously vintage but Ezra recalled seeing something similar in his parents closet.

“I wrongly assumed this was a transmitter,” Thrawn said looking slightly disturbed. “I can not turn it off.”

“It's some type of old-timey music player!” Ezra yelled over the noise. “Just throw it in the lake!”

“That would be a waste of valuable technology,” Thrawn said. “It can not possibly go on forever.”

Ezra screamed, reaching out he formed a small force barrier around the player successfully trapping most of the sound, even Thrawn looked relieved after a moment the man took a seat next to him and produced a series of trinkets from his coat pocket, Ezra didn’t bother looking at them he was too focused on containing the noise.

“This planet was at one time occupied, there is an abandoned community a kilometer north, the sanitation set up is inferior to what we are used to-”

“You’re forgetting that Lothal was notorious for bad plumbing,” Ezra cut in then returned his focus to keeping the barrier up. 

“It is worse than Lothal,”Thrawn said Ezra swallowed nervously he couldn’t imagine anything worse than Lothal’s plumbing. “However it is efficient enough and there are enough houses to shelter the remnants of my forces.”

“You’re suggesting we move or something?” Ezra asked struggling to maintain his focus, the radio would not win, it would not.

Thrawn nodded.

“Until the means to repair my fleet arises, there is no purpose in staying with a nonfunctional fleet,” Thrawn said. “From my observations, this planet has multiple seasons and we are entering into what your people know as “winter” the climate control in the majority of my star destroyers is inoperable our men will freeze if we remain.”

Ezra mulled over what he was saying, Ezra had no attachment to the fleet and nothing to lose by leaving except the childish hope that his family would stumble across the fleet and link it to him, Ezra desperately wanted to go home but his sacrifice had been for the greater good, something he reminded himself daily.

“When?” Ezra asked.

“The winter will arrive within a month, I assume they will freeze shortly after,” Thrawn said sounding quite calm about the prospect.

“No!” Ezra said giving him an exasperated look. “When are we going to move?”

“As soon as my men can gather the remaining rations and their belongings,” Thrawn said without faltering. “Ah yes, while I was scouting out the area I found this,” 

Thrawn extended a glinting blade towards him, Ezra jumped and almost let the hideous sound loose, Thrawn didn’t seem to notice or care.

“I believe you can use it to trim your hair back to its previous length.” 

Cutting his hair was something Ezra thought about frequently, he was so used to having it short that being able to see the individual strands poking up was unnerving. Apparently Thrawn thought it was too, that realization was enough to make Ezra want to keep it a little longer just to get on his nerves, still, he accepted the knife graciously and immediately lost focus on keeping the barrier up. Music roared at them making both of them jump, Ezra quickly encased the radio in a barrier again and the two stared at the box with varying degrees of fear in their eyes.  
It was well after dark when the box finally let go of its last threads of life and he and Thrawn made it back to the fleet where they found the remaining crew members dancing around in tight fitting underwear, having found the alcohol cabinet on one of the star destroyers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really starting to like these guys.


End file.
